Whether you’ve been in a relationship for a long time, or you just started dating someone new, we all face times when we feel the need to step back and evaluate our love life. Sometimes a partner looks great “on paper” at first in terms of your similar interests or circle of friends, but then as things move forward, the daily behavior and interactions between you just don’t make your heart sing. What’s happening here? Is there anything you can do to figure it all out?

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Yes, there is, and doing so is both free and easy to accomplish. Creating your own simple positives vs. negatives list can help you clarify what is and what is not working in your relationship. Sure, all relationships require some degree compromise, but that doesn’t mean you have to settle for being unhappy the majority of the time! In the case of the woman whose inventory is shown below, she had been dating someone for three months and had sex with him after seven dates. She saw him two more times after that before she called me for help because she was feeling confused and conflicted about becoming his girlfriend. In her gut, she felt he wasn’t right for her, but at the same time, she didn’t want to be alone. You can use the sample below a guideline for creating the same relationship inventory I walked through with her in two simple steps. Relationship Inventory Part 1: Make two columns. In the first, list every one of his positive qualities that you can think of. In the second, list every one of his negative qualities you can think of. Positive qualities: (Note: remember that these were specific preferences of one woman. What you think of as a positive will match your own personal preferences.)

1. He’s an old friend.

2. He’s kind.

3. He’s gentle.

4. He has a good job.

5. He’s financially stable.

6. He’s intelligent.

7. He’s romantic.

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